Loosing My Way In The Dark
by DeepInTheShadows12345
Summary: "Morgan leaned forward and just as their lips touched the town square clock chimed as it turned 12:00 midnight."


When you are young, you spend nearly all your time in school. Throughout all your years in school, you are clumped with your own gender. When you're on the school bus, you typically sit with someone who is the same gender as you, your best friends tend to be the same gender as you, and then in gym class, you're stuck changing in front of a bunch of other people who are also the same gender as you.

After being exposed to the same gender so much throughout life, it makes sense that one's sexual orientation would include their gender, right?  
>-<p>

Spencer Reid always had trouble with the ladies. It had always been that way. When he found himself acting on his sexual curiosities, he found that he had fallen for his best friend; Derek Morgan.

He has witnessed Derek's behavior around females when the BAU team had gone to bars, so there was no doubt in Spencer's mind that Derek was a straight man.

Spencer knew now that he was indeed a bisexual. He had been involved in a controversial decision weather he should 'come out' or not.

On one hand, he shouldn't have too because it was nobody's business, and he didn't think it mattered. He figured it wasn't a big deal. If the team really wanted to know, they would ask him, right?

On the other hand, he wanted too, just to get it off his chest. The only reason he was having such a hard time with the idea of telling the team he wasn't straight was the aftermath. The judgement. If the team really loved him, they would support him. But what if they didn't?

Your mind is a powerful thing. If you tell yourself something and you believe it and repeat it to yourself enough, inside your mind, it will become true. In Spencer's mind, he had convinced himself that the team would surely judge him, just because he was also into guys. In the back of his mind, he knew that the team would never do that to him, but he was still clinging to the fear of it all.

He knew that contemplating on this one thought for hours was not healthy for his mind. He turned his radio on and just laid in his bed listening to music, hoping to clear his mind, although he continued to chew on his bottom lip.

He couldn't help but think of Derek. He was in love with him. It goes without say, when you fall in love, everything leads back to that person, and they are all you can think about. This time is no different. He tried to focus on the music coming out of the speakers, but he could, he just couldn't…

He decided he needed air. It was late, but he didn't care. He buttoned up his jacket as he walked out of his apartment.

The cold air outside hit him, making him gasp. He walked around a few different blocks. It was dark outside but he could still see his breath. Snow scattered about and whirled around him, landing in his hair. His tears were sudden and made his sight blurry. He tried to choke back the sobs he so desperately wanted to release into the silent night. He sniffled a few times before hearing his name.

"Reid." He stopped. His heart skipped a beat. He knew that voice. He knew it so well…

He turned around to face a Derek Morgan walking towards him. "What are you doing out here?" He asked.

"I could ask you the same question." Spencer tried to laugh, avoiding eye contact.

"I couldn't sleep. I didn't expect to find you out here." He tilted his head a little.

"Well, I couldn't sleep either." Spencer looked up at the sky blankly, his tears seemed to slow, but his heart continued to speed up. It felt almost as if it would either come out of his chest or explode.

"So what have you been up to?" He asked nonchalantly.

"Why?" Spencer spat. That one word was coated in venom. It made Derek's chest hurt.

"Are you…okay?" Derek asked concerned. Reid's attitude had totally changed.

There was silence for a few moments.

"Reid?" Derek asked quietly.

"What?"

"You know you can talk to me if there's som—"  
>"There's nothing I need to talk about." Spencer cut him off. He was aggravated. He didn't understand why, but he knew that's what he felt. He felt something bubbling inside his chest. He thought it might have been his heart exploding. He was hoping that's what it was. He wished the earth would just open up and swallow him. He couldn't talk to Derek right now. He just couldn't.<p>

"What's wrong with you, man?" Derek wasn't trying to pry, but he was wondering what was up with Reid. He had the right to worry about his best friend, didn't he?

"There's nothing to talk about. There is nothing going on with me!" Reid didn't understand why his words kept coming out full of anger. He didn't mean it, honest.

Morgan expected the worst. He had seen this kind of behavior only once before. "Reid, are you using?" He dared to ask.

Spencer's eyes widened as he looked up at the older FBI agent standing in front of him. "You didn't seriously just ask me that? How could you think I was using? Morgan, you know I've been clean for over a year now! I can't believe you would think I would go back to taking Dilaudid!" Spencer threw his hands up in the air in frustration and anger "I thought you were my friend." He said quieter.

"Then why are you acting like this?" Derek kept his voice calm.

"I don't know what you want me to say." Spencer looked back at the ground, balling his fists in his pockets.

"I want the truth, Reid. That's all I want." Derek looked right at Spencer, as he continued to stare at the ground.

"I…I…can't" Reid whispered, barely loud enough for Derek to hear him.

"Okay then." Morgan quietly turned around and began walking away.

Reid watched him walk away. His heart shattered into a million tiny pieces as he watched the love of his life walk away from him. He turned around and continued to walk the other way. A frigid breeze hitting him hard, making his nose and cheeks turn even darker red. Tears started streaming down his face again.

Reid recalled the song that played as he walked out of his apartment. The lyrics replayed in his head over and over again.

_A cold wind blows, I am shivering_

_My body_ _aches as my heart is breaking_

_Why is life making me hollow?_

_Why is happiness casting me in the shadows?_

_Hold on, don't turn and walk away_

_Save me_

_And I cried these words but nobody came_

_I'm all alone, running scared_

_Losing my way in the dark_

"Wait a second." Spencer said out loud to himself. "I can't do this anymore." He began running back to where he had been with Morgan. He stopped to regain his breath and then continued to run. The last two lines replayed in his head.

_I'm all alone, running scared_

_Losing my way in the dark_

He searched and searched and searched and finally he found him.

"Morgan!" He shouted from down the block. Morgan pretended not to hear it and kept walking. Reid caught up to him "Morgan!" He repeated, now out of breath. Morgan sighed and stopped.

"What?" He said, trying to hide his frustration. Now it was his turn to look at the ground and hide his tears.

"I couldn't tell you the truth because I was too scared." Reid said. Morgan looked up too see Reid wiping away his own tears.

"Why?" Morgan asked with his own sniffle.

"I didn't know how you'd take it." He admitted honestly.

Morgan didn't say anything. What was he to say? After another moment of silence between the two he asked "What do you mean?"

He sighed and finally looked up. "I..I love you, Morgan." He said with a slight laugh. It was more of a hic-up noise as he tried not to sob.

Morgan looked into the younger, paler man's face. For a moment he watched the snowflakes fall into his eyelashes. It wasn't until then did he realize how beautiful his eyes were, how beautiful he was. It was then he realized his heart was beating rapidly fast.

"Pretty Boy…" Morgan began. Reid bit his lip in anticipation. "I love you too." He smiled

Morgan leaned forward and just as their lips touched the town square clock chimed as it turned 12:00 midnight.

:) R&R! Hope you liked it! :)


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